My first recollection of a friend would be my cousin Brent. We hung around a lot as kids, played in the dirt, made ramps to jump our bikes, played space ship in holes of dirt. (A lot of fond memories) Then when I was about 9 my family moved to Evergreen and I no longer could run down the street to play with him.
Instead I was accepted into a group of about 9 girls at my elementary school. They were the movers and the shakers of the 5th grade. (Surprising that I got in that group...right?) However rumors about, a slumber party I didn't attend in the 6th grade helped me determine these girls were not who I wanted to be like. Four years later this group of girls comprised the drinking, playing and sleeping around girls of my high school, so I don't consider that a huge loss on my part--in fact a huge blessing.
I was kind of inducted into another pack of friends in the 7th grade. In the Evergreen ward we had about 35 young men and young women. To my recollection the group of youth got together at least once a week to do something together--movies, dances, and impromptu parties. Because my older brother Todd was in the group, and had to drive me around, I was grandfathered into this group of friends. As the group of friends graduated, left on missions and to college, the numbers dwindled down, and the "getting together" did as well. By the time I was a junior in high school most of the original group was gone and I was on my own to "make friends".
I knew kids in my classes--I have never been shy-- I managed to find a locker partner each year, (thank you Tia and Cheryl) and someone to sit by in class, but didn't ever have one best friend or group of friends after that. I was busy with work (that I started after lunch each day because of my light class schedule), and was on a dance team in Denver, so I didn't go to football games, or attend school sponsored activities. (BTW -I have ZERO desire to attend a high school reunion, I am sure they are all nice people, and very friendly.)
Which brings us to today. If you were to ask me "Are you friends with ________?" My answer most likely would be yes. No matter who it is. Especially with Facebook, it is easy to count people you know of, or people who know who you are, as friends. But If you asked me who I would call to go to Sonic, or get fro-yo on a spur of the moment (or every Friday at 2--Randi!), I wouldn't know where to start.
I love my running partners and a couple years ago I would have said they were the friends I could call, but they have busy lives with work, and family and are not as available as they once had been. I don't really socialize with them outside of running--heck I don't socialize.
Now I don't say this so you'll feel sorry for me. I know a lot of really wonderful, nice people in my neighborhood and ward and I think I could probably call them if I needed help, I just wouldn't. And is that wrong? I have told many women I was their friend, and they could call me anytime they needed, dolling out my cell number. And I really do mean it. They could share how they felt about anything, and I would keep confidences, and reinforce them, love them, think about them.
I used to make friends based on my church calling or my kids friends/carpools. (It would be strange for me to ask one of Marissa's friends moms to be my friend, right?)
Of course my best friend, Shawn, works and has a really demanding wife so he isn't really available for say an occasional fro-yo trip during the day. He also doesn't really want to chat with me about my new pins on Pintrest, or about my new strategy for cleaning the house. And my sisters (I include sis-in-laws too)--so rudely--seem quite content to go to Sonic in their own state with their own "friends".
So why is it that I am a 43 year old woman with no "friends"? And what is the trick to having one? (Do I have to be nice all the time?) Am I supposed to have "friends" that I go do things with-- other than my family? (I certainly feel like my family are my friends.) Should my friends be other couples that Shawn and I could go on double dates with? What pool would I choose a friend from? What would be an appropriate amount of time to spend doing friend stuff? (Cause shouldn't I be cleaning, or preparing my lesson, going to the temple, or serving someone?) Any thoughts? Come on, there are only 3 of you. You're all going to have to comment. :)
9 comments:
I have wondered the same thing for the last few years. Why doesn't Jenny have any friends? No really, I 've wondered about me. I think that maybe being friends as an adult means something different that 'being friends' means as a child. As a child it is someone to play with, as an Adult maybe it just means that guy I say hi to once a week at church in the hallway. Also, I think our family is very active and maybe keeps us from doing some of those friend-like activities, holiday parties, New years parties. Maybe because we are doing family stuff at these times we are more or less unavailable and consequently leftout at other time when we are available? Not sure if that means anything to anyone but me.
About two years ago I gave an Elders Quorum Lesson on friendship and reaching out to others and I remember think this will be great, I 'm going to tell all these guys they need to reach out to me and and we all need to be more friendly. In retrospect maybe I should have listened to my own lesson and done more reaching out and being more available and more proactive. But then again I don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to this topic...
I'll go get Fro-Yo with you! and it won't even be a pity outing ;) Or does that not count because we're friends and family?
ok. not the answer you were looking for (playing devil's advocate, or maybe I'm just antisocial). But, I don't think you need friends in the way that you have defined them in your blog. I think sometimes friends are a clutch to justify one's feelings, or to discuss issues, problems, or commiserate with (like the preschool play group, that meets so the kids can play, and the parents sit around and discuss the woes, and follies of parenting little ones (oh, am I'm I supposed to be in a group like that? - another glimpse of antisocial kristi) But, my point is, I don't think You rely on others to define, or justify you as a person. I think of you as a kind, thoughtful person, who is very self aware.
This enables you to help others, and be friends with everyone. There are no fickle relationships dependent on the give and take like in a BFF relationship.
I think there is maturity in being able to go running with the girls, and be able to have a great time. Then go to the book club, and be able to discuss books with a whole different group of people, then go the Gavin's school event and be able to talk with the other parents there. You are not defined by your One Thing that you do. Yet, your ability to see yourself clearly allows you to friends with everyone.
That being said, I agree it would be fun to go to sonic and get a drink with someone (although that's like having a drinking buddy right? j/k)
And it would be fun to have someone you could call up last minute on a friday night to do a double date with.
I also agree with what Matt says about us always doing family stuff. There have been many instances when someone has said to me, "aren't going doing something with your family? Or do you have family in town?" Because, honestly we really do, and that is our favorite! Too bad we don't all live nearer to each other!
I know I have rambled. but you asked for it :)
I wish we could discuss this on a long run......
Kristi is right on. Most friendships have one person who is more dependent than the other. We don't all have time or want to spend most of our free time supporting that. With family our dependence comes and goes. One week one needs more and the next the other is the needy one. We are willing to put time into that because it is family. it is an eternal relationship. The people we associate with are primarily like us. Busy, capable, caring people, who also have busy lives and families. Being friendly with a lot of people is really healthy and well adjusted. You have had your live-in best friends. Now that they are growing up and taking the next step life does get a little more lonely. Any time you want to do it there are lots of people who could use your happy sweet, nonjudgmental spirit in their lives. Your daughters and sisters are lucky to have you for a best friend. It is a different thing if you feel left out. Join a club like quilting, running, photography, gardening, yogurt buying etc. Do you really want someone who tells you all her secrets, and wants you to do the same with her? Just Saying.
Matt: I think perhaps you are right that having friends as an adult is different. And I believe you're right that doing so many things with our family, kind of takes us out of the "friend pool" for other events around us. I have been thinking about how I could be more proactive about a friend--so that thought about the lesson makes a lot of sense to me.
Jocelyn: Too bad there is not a fro-yo place between our houses where we could meet and get yogurt once a month. :)
Kristi: I am reminded once again why I like you so much. You make me sound like a well adjusted adult. You're right that I do not see myself through the eyes of others. (And I am more hard on myself than perhaps others are on me.) I wish you lived closer so we could get our long runs in, and so we could be drinking buddies. Last year was so much fun running 4 marathons together. Thank you for a terrific year of running and spending time with you. You and Matt are so incredibly generous with us.
Mom: I can see where you are going with the family is your best friend thing. I agree that my most rewarding relationships exist in my family--Shawn, kids, siblings, my parents nieces and nephews, and how this is eternal.
You know I feel a responsibility to care for and help others around me. And I really do look for people who need a friend, I guess my thing is at some point-- it seems like-- occasionally, my life should be about me....right? (I know this is a little radical!) So I guess that has left me asking myself, when do I call my friend because I want to go for yogurt, instead of calling someone I know needs a friend and inviting them for yogurt. I know both scenarios benefit me, probably doing it for someone else benefits me more, but I am just wondering aloud.
Perhaps looking around and deciding who I would like to have as a friend would be a good start. And maybe I would see that those people are already in place as my friends, just more as an adult-type than a high school type.
You guys have already had some good insights. As I was reading all of this, I remembered that in HS, I had one really good friend...Susan. I think we were friends because of convenience...we lived close together, did cheer/etc, and we had similar takes on the world. And as I thought about other friends that I've had, they all pretty much fit that description. There are friends from Yuma that I don't really talk to anymore, but were great friends then. There are friends from dental school that I never thought I'd lose touch with that I barely see or talk to anymore. I've actually thought about this before too...it seems I make "friends" easily, but then I don't put in the effort to make those friendships endure. I think it's because of the family thing. I mean, my family are my best friends, and the people that I want to spend time with, and the people that I DO spend my free time with. If we were closer, I know that I could call for a froyo run, knowing that you would just say if it wasn't a convenient time. There are a few girlfriends here that I might call if I felt like I couldn't go alone, but I wouldn't just call them on a whim because I don't feel like our relationship is one that they would just say no if it didn't work.
That said, we had some neighbors move in across the street about a year ago, and we have come to be great friends with them. We've never really had good friends as a couple, but these guys remind me so much of being with my family. They are just real. They even like to play Nertz. When went thru that biopsy stuff last November, she was really there for me, and I was really glad to have her as a friend. We really enjoy going on dates or hanging out or whatever. We often get together on Sunday afternoons/evenings for Nertz (again, another reminder of my family). But after this whole conversation, it makes me wonder and believe that when we are no longer living so close, the friendship will fade. So I guess I have the same problem....no friends. :)
Wow. That was a ramble. What was the question again? lol. I guess I'd ask what is the definition of a friend? Is it someone you can count on when you are struggling? Is it a froyo/sonic partner? Is it someone to kill time with? Maybe we have all of those in our lives, but maybe it's not the same person that answers each need. Jen, you asked about the appropriate pool to pic friends from, and other questions... I don't think that friendship is quite so calculated. If we are not counting family, I think that there are different people who come in to our lives at different times, and they are there to fill different needs (and we are there for them also). I think that it's okay to enjoy people while they are close, and BE a good friend (remember bdays, kids names, important events, be sincere, etc). But when it's time to move on, I'm okay with that. As long as I've got my family (immediate and extended), I'm okay with other people coming and going.
Ok. Ending the novel now. Sorry.
Becky: Thanks for your input. I really appreciate everyone who has commented and give it some thought. Perhaps you are right that people come and go out of our lives with reason, and purpose. I believe there are key people who have stepped into my life and have changed me -- in both good and bad ways. I just know several people who are still good friends with people they went to high school with. Sometimes I wonder if that is a lack of dedication to friends, or a lack of need on both my part and theirs?
Shawn believes that a good portion of that is because we were raised to have family be the most important thing, and that like Matt & you have said that often takes the place of friends.
Nertz friends! Wow, I am jealous!
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