About 9 years ago I was serving as Young Women's president in my ward. We had a large youth program with about 40 young women and because we had so many young women, we had 13 young women leaders. In addition to loving and caring about each young women in my ward, it required a constant effort to keep the leaders involved, attending activities, and focused on our goals. To be honest, my biggest complaint at the time was the lack of dedication of a few of the leaders. During the 4 years I was Young Women president I had some incredible women who served with me, however there were always at least two leaders, at any given time, who had trouble seeing that the young women's program was about the YOUNG WOMEN, and not themselves. It was a source of frustration to me, and something to which I didn't give a lot of leeway. I was definitely not a perfect leader, but I loved the girls and worked hard to see that the program ran to their benefit.
One Sunday we were getting things set up for opening exercises. My first counselor came into the room, and I looked at her and said "We have a new MiaMaid, she is right over there. Will you go meet her and get her contact information?" The counselor turned on her heel, walked out the door and down the hall to the bishop's office, where I later learned, she asked to be released.
When the bishop came to talk to me about it after church, he told me she was offended that I didn't care more about her. She said that I didn't ask about her or her family, that I didn't take into consideration what was going on in her life. The bishop reassured me that my first concern was and should be the young women and the YW program. To be frank, I was so self assured that I was in the right, and that it was her problem--not mine!--that I didn't waste too much more thought about her being released.
I began praying for a new counselor over the next week, but wasn't receiving an answer. On the day of my regularly scheduled presidency meeting the newly released counselor showed up on my doorstep. I invited her in. She declined, holding out her young women binder. While I was not really sad she was leaving my presidency (I know that is bad, right?), I didn't want her to feel like she was not wanted.
"Please, Jane, come inside and let me talk to you. I really don't want you to leave thinking I don't like you." I pleaded.
"No." she retorted angrily "I just want you to know that I never felt like I was included in the women who served. I felt like an outsider, who wasn't trusted or liked."
This idea was news to me. Had I missed something? Was I in charge of making everyone I served with feel good about serving? Then it dawned on me....CRAP, maybe I was. I reasoned further that I was called to be over these women as the president. While I would argue that the focus of the goals and energy of the program should be on the young women, part of what we are all doing is learning and growing as we serve. As the woman in charge, part of my responsibility and stewardship WAS the women who served with me. Ughhhh. I had screwed up, and missed it because of my own indignation.
Chalk up another mistake of mine to a life lesson learned. (I guess it is good I am at least learning from them.) Working with others brings to my mind a saying that my dad has "Everyone carries a full load all the time." It may appear that some are doing extreemly well, or have it "easy", but pretty much everyone is carrying a full load. Being aware of this idea we can be more accepting and supportive of each other as we work together. I think too it is important to consider that serving in the church is volunteer work, and should come after our family responsibilities. (This also made me work to take some pressure off the young men leaders as well, who had families to support, in addition to their church service.)
Whether I am a president of an organization or not I have a responsibility to treat everyone I come in contact with kindness and consideration. Be it the clerk at the grocery store, the lady at the PTA book fair, or the leader who keeps ditching activities and not showing up to teach lessons. I am accountable for my daily actions towards others as much as I am accountable for the young women I am set apart to serve.
6 comments:
Ugh. People need to get over themselves. That calling IS about the YW. The age range of YM and YW is such an awkward stage, for most people. They need great leaders who are focused on them - who will help them make the crazy transition from child to adult, spiritually, and emotionally. A great leader, at that stage, will be someone they will think about and appreciate for the rest of their lives. Because of the potential impact a dedicated leader can have, I think YM/YW callings are the greatest callings in a Ward.
I hope your Bishop kindly told her that while he would release her, if she wished, the best thing she could do in future callings is to throw herself into doing her job, and not worry so much about the peripheral minutia.
Thanks for commenting. :)
I completely agree with you about this being a critical, and incredibly important time in the YM/YW's lives, and the program should absolutely be run with them in mind.
My Bishop did release her at her request. Later I learned she was going through some difficult things in her life, which eventually resulted in her husband leaving her and divorce. I guess what I hope I have learned is that I have no idea what people are really dealing with in their lives.
Now I try to think to ask the leaders I serve with about their kids, and their lives and give them the ability to adjust their service around the demands of their lives--with no guilt or pressure. And they seem to give me the same courtesy, working around my limitations and shortcomings.
I agree --as we throw ourselves into our callings we have a better focus on what is important, and what simply is minutia.
Wow. That is such a difficult situation. You are right, the focus totally needs to be the YW. But I think you are smart to ask the people you serve with about how things are going for them personally. They need to know they are needed and liked and valued as individuals. But it seems like that would come pretty naturally when you are serving with these women, and it would come at other times than while you are trying to get ready for the influx of 40 YW for the Sunday meeting. I mean, I'm sure all the leaders don't arrive for the presidency meeting at the same time...while you are waiting for the others is a perfect time to chat. I know there are other times, but they don't come to mind right now. Jen, you do such a good job. Don't beat yourself up for someone else's issues. :)
Thanks Becky. I realize it was not entirely my problem, I guess mostly I wish I had done a better job of noticing her and realizing that she was struggling. Having said that, I know you can be everything to everyone all the time.
Jen, I was in that same presidency and you were never that way with me. You did nothing but show me the utmost love and concern and sisterhood. I think all of us forget that this is a volunteer organization and that we are all on different levels of learning and growth in the Gospel. Some of us come from abusive backgrounds or are converts, or we had horrible experiences in the youth program or are coming back from inactivity. Some of us suffer from illnesses or are in terrible marriages, etc...we often aren't as gentle with each other as we could be. However, what I saw in serving with you, is an efficient leader in the running of a very smooth program; a loving leader in that you reached out to each of those 40 girls in various ways to help them feel love and acceptance; a Christ-like leader in that you always strived live as He would have you live so as to be an example to the girls and those of us who served with you. Be gentle with yourself! You had no idea what that sister was going through at the time and it was her responsibility to let you know that she was struggling. Take joy in the fact that many of those young women are thriving in the gospel today because of your leadership, because of your love. Many of them are enjoying temple marriages to good husbands and are embracing the wonderment of motherhood. Many of them have furthered their educations or perhaps served missions. All of them can look back on their experiences as YW with fondness because of your efforts in their behalf. You are wonderful & it was definitely my privilege to get the call to serve with you! Thank you for all the lessons you taught me!
It is so hard to see situations when you are in the middle of them, so I appreciate your comment and I am glad you did not feel similarly about how I dealt with you.
I am not sure I am all you credit me with being, but I do everyday try to be my best--some days that is stellar, yesterday I am simply happy I didn't throw something at someone. :)
I do look at those YW and I am amazed at the incredible job they are doing with their lives. How they are trying every day to be the best they can be. They are as wonderful as I knew they could be, and more.
It was my privilege to serve with you as well Sis, and to have you as a friend. :)
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