I read through some of my old journals a few months ago in preparation for a lesson I was giving at church. I was caught a little off guard about how clearly I could see that the things I worried about as a young teen, had little or no bearing on my future. According to my journal I was mostly occupied with a specific boy. When he passed me in the hall, looked my direction at lunch or spoke to me on the way to the bus. Don't get me wrong, I believe that all of our life experiences contribute to the person we become, so in that way it was valuable to record and remember what that felt like. However, for fear that my journals would be read, there were many things I did not record. I have not had a thought about the cute boy in the 7th grade since ....well, probably 8th grade.Having given this some thought, and considering why the general authorities counsel us to keep a journal, I am in a bit of a dilemma on how to be obedient to this commandment. Of course I can rattle off the "to express ourselves, give clarity, and proclaim gratitude" answers that are listed in the lesson manual.
As a 40 year old person I would actually really like to be able to keep a journal. I think it would be helpful to be able to rant a little irrationally about some things, and to write out my thoughts for clarity and to help give me perspective. "Wow, I really was on one that day." or perhaps "I can can see now why I had to go through that to be able to understand God's purpose for me." However, I am a little wary of doing so. Let me use a true story to explain a little why I am.
A few years ago I was talking with a woman who had an illness and who had been told she had less than a year to live. During our discussions, over the course of a few months, she told me that whenever she felt she had been wronged, whether by a friend, stranger or family member, she would write that person a letter. After writing the letter and "really telling that person what she thought" she felt better. This was interesting to me and I asked her what she did with the letters. She said that she kept them addressed, in a box under her bed. When she died, all those people would get those letters delivered to them. I was shocked and asked her if she thought she might regret having that be the last thing she said to a family member. She told me no. She thought that being honest was more important than being nice.
This scenario plays through my mind whenever I consider keeping a journal. When I die who will find and read what I wrote? Will I wish I hadn't said some particular thing? Or alternatively wish I had said something that I didn't. I would like to leave my kids a record of the person I am--flaws and all. However, I don't want to leave wishing that the last thing I wrote before I died, was more kind, loving or charitable.
So this being a commandment, I wonder what you, my trusted readers think. How should a journal be kept? Should it only be the good things, or the life lessons that are discussed? Leaving a legacy of happiness and hope? Or should it be a real accounting, of struggles, frustrations, happiness and lessons learned? I really do want to know, because I often consider that perhaps keeping a journal will help me reason, remember and reconcile my life in a way that simply writing a gratitude journal, or chatting with my running partners would not.
23 comments:
If your concern is what your progeny will think about you after you're gone, then I think you should write from your heart.
Think about it this way. Your children are never going to turn to you - really needing you - when things are going wonderfully. They are going to need you the most when things are bad, and they need perspective. What perspective would they find if they think, "Man, nothing ever went wrong in Mom/Grandma's life. I'm such a loser!"
An example from the scriptures is Peter. What tells you more about Peter? That he was the rock upon which Christ "built (his) church?" Or that he was so weak and scared, he denied Christ in Christ's darkest hour? To me, the answer is both. Peter's story would be incomplete without knowing both of those stories.
Rely on the fact that you're a good enough person that the cumulative total that is you - the net sum of your life's contributions - will be positive.
thanks for your thoughtful reply to my question. I guess what I am considering is if I write about a specific thing I am struggling with, and die before I ever understand or reconcile it for myself-- and thus write about it again, will my writing hinder instead of help the people who read it? With Peter it is the contrast that is the lesson...right?
When it comes to writing, I don't think you ever go wrong with honesty.
It's wonderful having an eternal perspective on things, right? I know I will die without all of life's answers. Our system of beliefs allows for the concept of post-mortal growth. If I learned of a loved one's struggles, post-death, I would take great comfort in contemplating the insight they would have gained after they saw past the veil. I wouldn't feel let-down, at all.
My first time on your blog. I don't ever link my email in comments, so I hope it is OK to just use my name--rather than Anonymously commenting.
My mother kept a journal. After she passed away I found out that she and my father had once talked about getting a divorce, and went through a really rough time. After reading how she felt about it, I had a hard time seeing my Dad in the same way. Just something to consider.
I will be back another day. :)
I am not sure I agree with your assertion that "when it comes to writing", "never go wrong with honesty" comment. I would rather hold my thoughts, than hinder/hurt those around me. (This train of thought ties into 2 other posts I have in my draft folder, one about anger and the other about ripples.)
Thanks for your perspective, and your willingness to share your thoughts it is very helpful to me to have feedback. And well, I love comments on my blog.
JoAnne: Glad you came to my blog and took the time to comment.
Your story is the kind of situation I am concerned about. There isn't a journal from your dad at the time that can counter how he felt, what he saw, and his reasoning to give you some balance on your "new perspective" of your parents marriage. I hope that she continued her journal long enough to write about their reconciliation, and the reasons that she stuck it out.
Hey Jen! You could use code names for your children, or friends and still be able to write. Or you could write a "novel" so that it didn't name names.
Or you could write a gratitude journal instead of deep thoughts that you'd be afraid others would read.
Just some ideas.
I agree with Anonymous. I think you should feel free to be who you are, and have your own opinions, struggles and strengths. When you look at life with an eternal perspective it changes how you consider choices here. Don't you think that your kids would take comfort in knowing that you struggled with something? Instead of pretending you never did?
Is it "pretending" when you choose to spare your children the worry of the struggles in your daily life? I know that when I'm upset about something, if I discuss it with them, my children tend to be upset as well. I try to shield them from that in real time... why would I leave that in my journal to remember forever when I'm gone?
Shelley: I want to be honest, and not have to hide my journal, or code it. I feel like if I have to do that, perhaps I shouldn't write it at all.
I do often keep a gratitude journal, and enjoy doing that.
Thank you for commenting! :)
The main reason I am considering a journal is to help me reason through things I might struggle with. Secondly I would like my kids to understand more of who I am. I am not considering trying to pretend to be something I am not, I think if anything keeping a journal would be more forthcoming.
Well said Randi.
I used to believe that you should be forthcoming with everything all the time. Now I believe you should be honest--not deceptive--however not everything you think should be voiced.
Often less is better--Except in blog comments--then more the better!
Okay, but how do you reason through things, if you only write down the good parts of the "things?"
In that sense, I almost think it makes sense to completely forget any potential audience, and write for yourself.
I don't know, though - you make good points. But we all have our problems. If you were to die today (God forbid), what do you suppose your legacy would be, with your children? I think they would probably be realistic about your day-to-day life, but overwhelmingly positive about your overall contribution to their lives. I doubt anything you wrote would sully that.
I will just say this, from a personal perspective. I know very little of my mother, who died when I was a child. I long for information. When I find something, I am like a dry sponge, in a lake. Sometimes, it feels as if I am trying to figure out a scene on a large puzzle, with only four or five of the pieces. I have found some things that she would probably have been embarrassed to have shared. Those things mean as much to me as the things that she might have considered positive. I have often thought of what a conversation with her would be like. I want to know HER. Sometimes, I want it so much, it feels like physical pain. I would take anything - absolutely anything! So, when I say I don't think you can go wrong with simply being honest, I really believe it.
I agree that you cannot use a journal for reasoning purposes if you aren't willing to write about the positive and the negative of life--and be honest about it.
However, I am fond of the idea of "forgetting any potential audience and writing for yourself".
Thanks for sharing part of your personal perspective with me.
Is it too late to chime in? I believe you should be the person you are. When you write, at church, and with your kids. As long as that is consistent, even if you don't tell everything to your kids now, they will learn to appreciate and value who you are and what you had to say in your writing.
To the other anonymous-- Had a similar thing with loosing a parent, and I love having everything my dad ever wrote--positive or negative. Thanks for sharing.
It is never too late to "chime in". I would like to hear all perspectives.
Consistency is a good point. Truthfully I worry more about what information or slant I will give the reader about another person, than myself.
Thanks for commenting. Please feel free to comment on any post, past or future.
I think you should write what you feel and don't worry about who might read it.
Write the journal for yourself--not for others. I would be careful not to rant, or write in extremes (not trying to imply that you do would, I just might). We all get mad of course, but part of why you write is to really consider how you feel about something and why.
I write a journal on my computer. Mostly I write when I am struggling with something, or when something good has happened. I imagine your blog gives you those opportunities.
I don't keep a diary. I don't think it is helpful years down the road. Time blurs and softens our memories for a reason. Unless it is positive I wouldn't.
Thanks for your comment!
I do enjoy the clarity that I get from blogging, and from having good input from people who read it. (Thanks for commenting.)
Thanks for the suggestions on the journaling too.
so. I'm really late to commenting on this :)
But very often I think of Nephi and how he had the small plates with spiritual things, and large plates that have a history of his people. I'm not very good at journaling, but I do have "small plates" which are a recording of my children, and spiritual experiences I've had - and plan to leave those to my children. And my "large plates" that have my dating story, trials, frustrations, and figuring outs. That way I don't have to try to limit the kind of writing I do, I just have to put it in the right place :)
Kristi-- thanks for commenting. Hummm...that is interesting. I hadn't thought of it that way. Thank you!
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