My Life, the Movie

I imagined as a teen, that on judgment day an edited short film of my life would be projected onto a big screen before me.  Key moments in my life, or repetitive ones, would play out for anyone who wanted to take a seat and watch.  In my mind it was set up in courtroom fashion, where I would sit at the table, with my advocate by my side, to be judged, while the spectators sat behind me.  

To say this was a sobering idea to my young mind--that was wrestling to make connections with life's big mysteries--would be inaccurate for the lack of emphasis on the severe dread and worry this brought me.  Perhaps my biggest source of worry was not for my own sins or the consequences to me from those sins; but rather the sequence of events that might occur after my actions, and the effect it might have on others.  

I believed then, as I do now, that if we could clearly see the chain of events from our decisions, we would make correct choices because how we affect others is often a greater deterrent than how our choices effect ourselves.  One simple example.  When a person becomes a parent they often stop doing something that they know is wrong.  Like stopping swearing.  The parent hears his/her child parrot back a swear word in an inappropriate venue (as if there were an appropriate one) and the parent sees how their actions effected their kids, and he/she decides to stop.  Not a bad reason to change, just an observation. I know that I have had those moments myself, I am a better overall person for being a parent.  

So back to my original point.
Even at fourteen years old, I knew there would be moments in my life that I would cringe to see on the big screen.  And perhaps even more cringe worthy, was knowing that others I love and respect would see my mistakes and their effects on people around me as my actions played out. 

I am not really talking about huge sins, although I believe those have consequences on others too. Most times however, I believe we see the immediate consequences are naturally played out for the big sins. (drug use a prime example)  The events that were more concerning to me were smaller sins or instances akin to saying something unkind, or doing something not Christ-like. (i.e. when I spoke out of anger, fear, frustration or naiveity.) 

Most concerning was that while watching my life movie, I would see the lives of people around me more clearly, and understand, deeply, how I perhaps hurt or hindered their earthly progress with my actions.  (Example: My unkind words to the bag boy at the grocery store caused him to punch his sister at home, which caused her to hide from her friend, which caused her to miss class and fail a test......you see where I am going with this.) I look back on things I did in high school and college and wonder about choices I made to act a certain way.  What are the ramifications of my actions in the lives of those around me, and how, if ever, I will be able to correct my mistakes, and the ripples that ensued afterwards.

“Our words will condemn us, yea, all our works will condemn us; … and our thoughts will also condemn us” (Alma 12:14)  

To this day, I still consider my movie when making decisions.  I think to myself...if I were watching this scene in a movie, would I empathize with my character?  Especially when I am struggling with how to proceed with someone who I think is particularly difficult or how should I proceed in situations where in helping one person, I might hurt another?  Will my desire to do right prevail on the big screen?

I often wonder as my movie is screened on my judgement day will people gasp at my audacity?  Or think I was unkind or unfair with my words or thoughts?    Will the audience watching think "Yeah, she was the same person she portrayed herself to be at church."  Or will people leave my screening thinking "That was crazy.  I always thought she was so different than that." More than what others think about me, how will my actions have rippled onto others and how will I account for and fix those mistakes?

If you're looking for a grand summation, I am afraid you'll be disappointed reading this post.  I don't have any conclusions. (Could be the reason it took me so long to write and publish this post--going on 8 months.)  

I believe in the Atonement and Christ, and in his ability to make up the difference in my lack of perfection.  I know God will judge me fairly, because I truly believe God is a loving, kind, and just Father.  

Mostly, I wonder if I will be proud of the way I acted, or if I will be ashamed that I didn't do more, or better, with the knowledge I had at the time. Will I be able to look my maker in the eye, and say I did all I could to help others and minimize the negative ripples from my life?