Trouble With Girls

For Rissa's graduation I made a picture/slide show to play during the lunch following her ceremony.  I wanted to publish it to my blog, but was waiting for some spare time to condense it. (yeah, cause that spare time just accumulates in corners when you're not looking.)

When I first heard this song I thought of my daughters; how they are growing up so fast.  I am blessed to be the mother of incredible, strong daughters.  Marissa and I share an affinity for country music and a fondness for lyrics and stories that have meaning, so this song seems to fit just right. Having just taken Rissa to college this past week, it seems like an appropriate time to post her video.

  

Out of the Nest

Marissa's roommate Madison

Gavin picked a flower for each of his sisters to wear behind their ears.

Marissa introduces her cupcake pan to their new kitchen.

A few friends of mine, who have sent children off on missions, and away to college, have struggled considerably with sadness, and grief in the absence of their kids. All to varying degrees.  As I have watched during these years, knowing that my kids will be there soon, I have contemplated the appropriate balance of encouragement and grief.  And I will be honest, I haven't found the balance. 


Having sent one child off to college before now (Jocelyn, sniff) I thought that leaving Marissa would be easier.  However, it was just as hard to hug her one last time as my little girl and get into the car and drive away, as it was to do with Jocelyn 3 years ago.  (I realize that romanticizing the moment doesn't help lessen the height of my emotions, but this is a really big step in the life of my little girl, and truly in mine as well.)  

Our home changes as each child leaves, and I wonder what my life will look like in 3 more years. (You don't have to get out the calculator, Tiffany has done the math.  I will be 54 when Gavin graduates in eleven more years.)

All my kids squished into the car with all Rissa's groceries on their laps. 

Gavin assists with the move in by hanging up all the hangers.

This is the natural progression of life.  Since the day they are born, we encourage our kids towards independence.  Teaching them to hold their own bottle, pick up Cheerios, allowing them to cry in their cribs, be left with a sitter, and countless hours with friends, relatives and teachers.  We teach them how to share their toys, include others, make friends, confront problems, defend siblings, disagree with others, try again when they fail, stand up for what is right and work out their own problems.


Each experience that they have--each task that they complete-- is another step away from their dependence on their parents, and towards their own independence.  

I do still miss my girls who are in college this year.  There is a little hole in my day, and in my heart that reminds me they are away, making a life for themselves. 

I tell myself to be realistic.  First, they didn't die, I can text and call anytime I want and I can to see them in a month or two.  Secondly,  I don't want them to live in my house forever.  I want them out there fulfilling their dreams, learning their life lessons and growing into the person they were meant to be. 

It doesn't change the fact that my life, my heart has to make some adjustments too.  It was a difficult weekend for me, having just left Rissa in Logan. (Change has always been hard for this girl who loves family above all.)  

It was so much joy to raise Marissa in our home. When I was pregnant with her and found out I was having another girl, I prayed that she wouldn't ever live in the shadow of her older sister.  Since the moment she was born, with her blond curly hair and blue eyes, she has lived in her own spotlight and on her own terms.  She is a kind, compassionate, independent, funny, strong-willed, loving, hard-working, full-of-life young woman. I love this girl so much.  I am very proud of her.  

As one of the last things I can give her, I encourage her to enjoy college, and have her own experiences independent of me.  I mourn the loss of her childhood, the fun, the struggles and the triumphs, and I embrace the countless experiences in her future and the incredible woman she is destined to become.  

To an incredible first year at college, full of laughter, struggles, negotiations, compromise, pranks, academics, games, epiphanies and more!

Is Anger Really Ever Justified?

Updated** 
Usually at the eye doctor, we are in and out in an hour.  This time however we waited in the waiting room for 50 minutes.  Gavin and I spent some quality time trying on glasses and goofing around as we waited.

When I realized why it seemed like it was taking forever---BECAUSE IT WAS TAKING FOREVER--I went and asked at the desk how much longer it would be.  Turns out an assistant took Gavin's chart to call us back, then was distracted with something else and set the chart down to the side.  We were unknowingly taken out of the line to see the doctor.

I decided not to tell her what I thought about having waited extra long in the waiting room with my 7 year old.  (Counted that as a challenge "service penny" by the way.) The assistant seemed grateful, and I am sure could tell I was a little miffed.  (Shawn says I am incredibly transparent with my emotions.)

It did however leave me wondering about anger. At church I have been quoted the scripture about Christ clearing out the temple:  "Anger may be justified in some circumstances. The scriptures tell us that Jesus drove the moneychangers from the temple, saying, “My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves” (Matthew 21:13).
Since Christ was/is perfect, I think I can conclude this is an accurate example of justified anger.  However with us non-perfect folk I am not sure it ever is.

 When I have time to consider my reaction to something incredibly frustrating, my grandfather's caution runs through my head.  "Rarely is it worth what it costs to tell someone exactly what you think."  I have found this a great rule to live by, and I tell my kids that the number of times I have held my tongue and regretted it is none.  The opposite is too many for me to count.

I found this scripture when I was studying about anger on lds.org. For my name’s sake will I defer mine anger, Isa. 48:9.  It made me smile. I could use this scripture in  my parenting--see the scriptures really do relate to life.

Shawn tells me Buddha has a saying that goes something like "Harboring anger towards another is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."  Humm...that is something to think about.  I like Buddah, he was a deep thinker.

So when is it appropriate to show anger?  Is it more toxic to you than to the person you are angry with, as Buddah says?  Or perhaps, more to the point, when is anger justified?  Do you think there is an occasion that God says "OK, her anger was totally warranted.  No sin there."?  

Back to the Numbers

Email from Gavin's new teacher today:  "I started yesterday using the number system that Mrs. Gunther established last year.  I hope you don't mind. We had a few behavior issues."

"Gavin!" I call out.  "Come talk to me."

Gavin appears at my side with a smile. "What mom?"

"Can you please go get me the number that your teacher sent home with you today?" I ask sweetly.

Gavin's smile fades and his bottom lip curls up a little. "I crunched it up and hid it in the bottom of the trash can at school." 

"Why didn't you bring it home, bud?" I ask softly.  "You know that I love you no matter what.  But you have to give me all the notes your teacher gives you."

"Even if I poked Tiffany's eye out with a stick, you would still love me?" he inquires.

I have to look the other way and compose myself.  I give myself the silent speech--poking an eye out is NOT funny--your the adult.  Don't laugh.  "Well, it would be very sad if you hurt someone.  Or if you weren't making good choices.  But I will always love you Gavin."

Tears roll down his face as he leaps towards me for a hug.

Journaling Real Life?

I read through some of my old journals a few months ago in preparation for a lesson I was giving at church.  I was caught a little off guard about how clearly I could see that the things I worried about as a young teen, had little or no bearing on my future.  According to my journal I was mostly occupied with a specific boy.  When he passed me in the hall, looked my direction at lunch or spoke to me on the way to the bus.  Don't get me wrong, I believe that all of our life experiences contribute to the person we become, so in that way it was valuable to record and remember what that felt like.  However, for fear that my journals would be read, there were many things I did not record.  I have not had a thought about the cute boy in the 7th grade since ....well, probably 8th grade.

Having given this some thought, and considering why the general authorities counsel us to keep a journal, I am in a bit of a dilemma on how to be obedient to this commandment.  Of course I can rattle off the "to express ourselves, give clarity, and proclaim gratitude" answers that are listed in the lesson manual.

As a 40 year old person I would actually really like to be able to keep a journal.  I think it would be helpful to be able to rant a little irrationally about some things, and to write out my thoughts for clarity and to help give me perspective.  "Wow, I really was on one that day."  or perhaps "I can can see now why I had to go through that to be able to understand God's purpose for me."  However, I am a little wary of doing so.  Let me use a true story to explain a little why I am.

A few years ago I was talking with a woman who had an illness and who had been told she had less than a year to live.  During our discussions, over the course of a few months, she told me that whenever she felt she had been wronged, whether by a friend, stranger or family member, she would write that person a letter.  After writing the letter and "really telling that person what she thought" she felt better.  This was interesting to me and I asked her what she did with the letters.  She said that she kept them addressed, in a box under her bed.  When she died, all those people would get those letters delivered to them.  I was shocked and asked her if she thought she might regret having that be the last thing she said to a family member.  She told me no.  She thought that being honest was more important than being nice.

This scenario plays through my mind whenever I consider keeping a journal.  When I die who will find and read what I wrote?  Will I wish I hadn't said some particular thing?  Or alternatively wish I had said something that I didn't. I would like to leave my kids a record of the person I am--flaws and all.  However, I don't want to leave wishing that the last thing I wrote before I died, was more kind, loving or charitable.

So this being a commandment, I wonder what you, my trusted readers think.  How should a journal be kept?  Should it only be the good things, or the life lessons that are discussed?  Leaving a legacy of happiness and hope?  Or should it be a real accounting, of struggles, frustrations, happiness and lessons learned?  I really do want to know, because I often consider that perhaps keeping a journal will help me reason, remember and reconcile my life in a way that simply writing a gratitude journal, or chatting with my running partners would not.

Eccles Dinosaur Park

After we left Marissa at college this past weekend, Shawn took us to Eccles Dinosaur Park in Ogden.  We wandered around paths and checked out life sized dinosaur replicas in their "habitats".  It is a little boy's dinosaur dream park.  Gavin enjoyed running from dinosaur to dinosaur with Jocelyn, Tiffany, Shawn and I trying to keep up.  It was odd to not have Rissa with us, but fun that Jocelyn was there for the family excursion.  

Gavin enjoyed reading the plaques and telling us the names of the different dinosaurs.  At one point we passed a scene with a giant cockroach.                                      

Gavin pronounced "I don't need to read that one's name.  It's a cockroach-a-saurus."